Before starting the internship at Mercy Ministries United Kingdom I sat down to talk with the program manager. She told me told me how God had a special place in His heart for the girls in this intern position. She said it was like when Esther goes through 1 year of beauty treatments before entering into the King’s presence. When I heard this two thoughts went through my mind. First I thought, “Oh great, another year of being stretched, broken, …blah, blah… . I mean, honestly Lord, I was not expecting this.” But as I thought about it more and went to the scripture I realized how special Esther was. The bible says that this is how she would go to the king: “Anything she wanted was given to take with her from the harem to the King’s palace.” So, my second thought was, “Lord, I know you called me here. I know it was you who lead me here. I had nothing to see ahead but I came in faith. Where you want me go I will follow.” He answered: “ I want take you on a journey into your heart with me.”
Today, the process of beauty treatment is associated with pain. Woman spend hours getting poked, stretched, injected. Some spend days in recovery. Most of them go for an x-ray of some sort or are examined under a microscope, exposed of thier flaws just to painfully remove their “old” to be replaced by “new.”
Recently, I’ve been reading in The Message and found it’s version of Hebrews 4:12-13 an interesting description of this process. It says:
“His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God’s Word. We can’t get away from it- no matter what.”
This is exactly where I find myself with the Lord. There are so many places in my heart that I’ve developed the habit of running away from. When I knew God was wanting to take me there, I ran. I hid. In this season, His Word has (and will continue to) expose(d) so many of those flaws and areas that God longs to remove and replace with beauty.
As God leads me into new pastures, new levels of faith, new exposures to darkness, I’m being taught a new language. Over the past month of commencing at Mercy, I’ve been introduced to words that have never dwelt in my vocabulary before. “Boundaries,” “Manipulation,” “Attention-seeking,” “Approval Addiction,” “Roots of Rejection,” “Co-dependency,” “Escapism.” As King Saul writes in Ecclesiastes, “Nothing new under the sun.” All of it is new to me but not for the staff or residents of Mercy. I ask myself, “Where do I fit? Which category do I fall under?” I quickly find my answer: Fear of Man-Ilene; Fear of being rejected-Ilene; Attention-seeker-Ilene; Escapism-yup, there I am again; Co-dependent-oh look, it’s me; and so on. My emotions rise to frustration, disappointment, confusion, all which lead to more pain. I want to run. I want to hide. What a mess I am!
So this is the moment God waits for. I have a choice. I can choose to believe His promises to me and know that He is the God of all comfort or I can choose to turn to the comforts of this world. Only, right now the comforts I know are gone too. So, I look to my God, face on the ground, tears flooding, heart aching, questions scrambling in my mind, lips unable to speak any of them or anything other than, “Lord, your grace is enough. Be my strength in my weakness. You died so that I can live an abundant life. Your word is true and it sets me free. Renew my mind. Transform me to made like Jesus in all his beauty. I trust you.”
One of the things I look forward to during the week is worship. At Abundant Life Church, not only is the worship team filled with talented artists their main goal is to bring us into the presence of God. I’ve never experienced worship in such a powerful way before. Almost, as if I’m one step closer to being free in not caring what other people around me think. Every morning the girls at Mercy spend 30 mins in worship. They all get in their own spots of the room and just lose themselves freely to singing out praise to the Lord. Finally, every Friday evening I attend the youth group meeting and watch over 100 teenagers raise their hands and give God glory.
So I learn that though it hurts to heal and with beauty transformation comes pain, it is God’s will to work in me until completion. The One thing that never changes is my God. Jesus is My Savior King, the one whose presence I long to enter. He is the one whose voice I know and whose voice I follow. He died so I can have life abundantly, be set free, and give Him my praise.
"After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, stengthen, and establish you." -1 Pet 5:10
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