It all started with me spending 10 months at Horizon School of Evangelism in San Diego, CA. From there...well, you can read for yourself. My hope is that you'll be encouraged!
The coldness of English mannerism keeps me isolated from feeling a connection with insights of their hearts. It's not the language-although there is a huge communication gap which I didn't expect on experiencing here. It's something deeper than that. I've heard someone describe the English people as "ICY." Instead of there being a stone, brick, or plastered wall between me and them, I see a thin sheet of ice. I can't break in but I could see in. I long to be apart of the other side.
I've been told by several people that I have very cold hands. Whenever, I hear this expressed to me my first response is, "COLD HANDS, WARM HEART." My cry is that the Lord will bestow more of His warmth into my heart that my hands will extend out to others, melting the ice, and reaching the part I long to become connected with.
Before starting the internship at Mercy Ministries United Kingdom I sat down to talk with the program manager. She told me told me how God had a special place in His heart for the girls in this intern position. She said it was like when Esther goes through 1 year of beauty treatments before entering into the King’s presence. When I heard this two thoughts went through my mind. First I thought, “Oh great, another year of being stretched, broken, …blah, blah… . I mean, honestly Lord, I was not expecting this.” But as I thought about it more and went to the scripture I realized how special Esther was. The bible says that this is how she would go to the king: “Anything she wanted was given to take with her from the harem to the King’s palace.” So, my second thought was, “Lord, I know you called me here. I know it was you who lead me here. I had nothing to see ahead but I came in faith. Where you want me go I will follow.” He answered: “ I want take you on a journey into your heart with me.”
Today, the process of beauty treatment is associated with pain. Woman spend hours getting poked, stretched, injected. Some spend days in recovery. Most of them go for an x-ray of some sort or are examined under a microscope, exposed of thier flaws just to painfully remove their “old” to be replaced by “new.” Recently, I’ve been reading in The Message and found it’s version of Hebrews 4:12-13 an interesting description of this process. It says: “His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God’s Word. We can’t get away from it- no matter what.”
This is exactly where I find myself with the Lord. There are so many places in my heart that I’ve developed the habit of running away from. When I knew God was wanting to take me there, I ran. I hid. In this season, His Word has (and will continue to) expose(d) so many of those flaws and areas that God longs to remove and replace with beauty.
As God leads me into new pastures, new levels of faith, new exposures to darkness, I’m being taught a new language. Over the past month of commencing at Mercy, I’ve been introduced to words that have never dwelt in my vocabulary before. “Boundaries,” “Manipulation,” “Attention-seeking,” “Approval Addiction,” “Roots of Rejection,” “Co-dependency,” “Escapism.” As King Saul writes in Ecclesiastes, “Nothing new under the sun.” All of it is new to me but not for the staff or residents of Mercy. I ask myself, “Where do I fit? Which category do I fall under?” I quickly find my answer: Fear of Man-Ilene; Fear of being rejected-Ilene; Attention-seeker-Ilene; Escapism-yup, there I am again; Co-dependent-oh look, it’s me; and so on. My emotions rise to frustration, disappointment, confusion, all which lead to more pain. I want to run. I want to hide. What a mess I am!
So this is the moment God waits for. I have a choice. I can choose to believe His promises to me and know that He is the God of all comfort or I can choose to turn to the comforts of this world. Only, right now the comforts I know are gone too. So, I look to my God, face on the ground, tears flooding, heart aching, questions scrambling in my mind, lips unable to speak any of them or anything other than, “Lord, your grace is enough. Be my strength in my weakness. You died so that I can live an abundant life. Your word is true and it sets me free. Renew my mind. Transform me to made like Jesus in all his beauty. I trust you.” One of the things I look forward to during the week is worship. At Abundant Life Church, not only is the worship team filled with talented artists their main goal is to bring us into the presence of God. I’ve never experienced worship in such a powerful way before. Almost, as if I’m one step closer to being free in not caring what other people around me think. Every morning the girls at Mercy spend 30 mins in worship. They all get in their own spots of the room and just lose themselves freely to singing out praise to the Lord. Finally, every Friday evening I attend the youth group meeting and watch over 100 teenagers raise their hands and give God glory.
So I learn that though it hurts to heal and with beauty transformation comes pain, it is God’s will to work in me until completion. The One thing that never changes is my God. Jesus is My Savior King, the one whose presence I long to enter. He is the one whose voice I know and whose voice I follow. He died so I can have life abundantly, be set free, and give Him my praise.
"After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, stengthen, and establish you." -1 Pet 5:10
"When I'm distant from Him, I become afraid because I'm not sure who I'm becoming. But when I'm close to God, I can rest knowing that He knows who I am. And in this place I know I'm going to be okay." Tammy Trent, The Art of Being
5 airports in 10 days, 13 hours of air travel time, 10 hours of bus travel time, God knows how many times on the subway, ironically starting in the country-side only to arrive back in the country-side. Because I limited the amount of luggage I allowed myself to bring during my travels I decided on only two books: 1) The Lies Young Women Believe; and 2)The Art of Being. The second one became my "traveling buddy" and has given me inspiration to who I am and have yet to become.
New York was a bust at first but God was faithful to provide abundantly more than I ever expected or imagined. After being invited to stay in Upstate New York I was left stranded at the airport. Luckily, an old friend from San Diego (with great integrity) came through and welcomed me into her home with her family now living in the Bronx. Getting to spend a whole day in downtown Manhattan was preparation for finding my around London. It was hard getting used to the crowd and noise level of a big city again but I quickly found myself wanting to revisit very soon for a much longer period of time. Of course, couldn't leave without purchasing my own "I [HEART] NY" tee. My last moments spent on U.S. territory were on familiar grounds- the beach. I said my good-byes to the warmth and rays of the sun.
Finally, I was headed (once again) to Heathrow International Airport London. Only this time when I arrived I wasn't greeted by best friend. Instead, I had to walk 10 minutes to the tube station and find my way to the other side of the city by myself. 2 and 1/2 hours later I found the address I was going to be lodging in Poplar. I still did not know under whose roof I was going to be laying my head but when I found the address I received a very kind greeting by two beautiful Argentinian women-one of who was 14 years old. I felt at peace right away.
They told me of the work God was doing in the Poplar community and I was relieved to just hear of His name. Right away, I reaized something: I have no idea what God is doing in the hearts of other people around the world! I mean, here I am asking God to send me and I have no clue of those He's already sent. "Who am I?"
That evening I walked around Central London asking myself that very question, "Who am I?" I was there but something was missing - a part of me. I should have been happy but it was all superficial. I was missing my time with the Lord. I needed time in His presence, in fellowship, in weakness.
The next two days were spent in a classroom training by UK-TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language). I met great people there and right away felt at ease with being exposed to the English culture. My last day spent in London was a birthday I'll never forget. Getting to see my buddy Johnny from Horizon School of Evangelism (San Diego) for the day was great! Sushi in Central London was unique! Best of all, cake, good company, and laughs with my new friends at YWAM London.
The next morning, my £5 bus ticket to Bradford left London at 10:30 a.m. As the bus drove away I took one last look out into the city and saw how I had held it all too high in my heart. Traveling is great and it's one of my passions but it's nothing compared to what I have in Jesus. It can never "fill" me. It's tiring and many dtimes very confusing. So, I had to conclude in my heart that one day the buildings, the monuments, the people will all fade away and the only thing that will be left forever is the One who created it all. "I am ready for Bradford!!"
After arriving to my final destination, I was no longer alone. Being picked up by two girls from Mercy Ministries and Abundant Life Church (Erin and Fi) gave me such a peace about transitioning here. They told me about all the great things God does through both ministries. The best part being: WORSHIP. My other two roommates for right now (Beccy and Jo) are amazingly unique! The weather is unpredictable here in Bradford. It's a rain storm one minute and sun shines every now and then. Similar to Chama, actually. The house I'm staying at right now is at the top of the city (or at least it seems) and looks over beautiful acres of the city and country.
And so over the past week, I've been here in Bradfor experiencing happiness and hardship at the same time. Not knowing WHY God chose Me. Not knowing IF God chose me. By the grace of God, I see that He's taking me to a new level of faith in Him. On that new level I have to remember that my role is to know WHO I am in Him.
How can I continue to enter into new places if sooner or later I'll have to say my good-byes to the ones I love most and to those I wish I'd taken the time to love more? I honestly can't say. I do know that I never expected to make godly relationships as special as the ones I made at Horizon San Diego. Almost as if there was no chance of having another community who supported me, encouraged me, and loved me unconditionally. The Lord showed me otherwise when I met everyone at Chama Valley Worship Center. I gained my hope back. Trust built to the point that wherever He sends me next I'll expect such a community. To: Everyone at CVWC- I FELL IN LOVE CHAMA AND MORE IN LOVE WITH GOD BECAUSE OF YOU!-Now that's a miracle! ;)
"As the praises go up, the healing comes down." If I can sum up everything I learned during my short season in Chama this is what it would come down to. The showers of rain have poured down and the Lord is the one who sent His abundance of healing in my life. But it didn't come without planting the seeds of praise. After healing waters, the flowers of beauty and truth flourish. They now stand tall and continue to be radiant.
"I am the Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt, open your mouth wide and I will fill it." -Psalm 81:10
When it rains here in Chama it literally pours. The showers that begin every afternoon continue on into the early evening. It's become a thrill for me rather than a nuisance. The smell of refreshment represents the symbol of this small town in my life.
David wrote of how he received his strength when he dwelled in the shadows of the wings of the Most High God. Those wings have been my source of protection through the storms. Until I realized that for every moment the heavens open up in preparation to send down a flood I no longer shut down but am free to receive.
Why have I been so used to running for shelter? Has the rain ruined my comfort? Yes. Without it life which surrounds me is not able to survive or to grow. So what once was a "damper on my day" has become the source of my eternal life.
" I am the Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt, open your mouth wide and I will fill it." Psalm 81:10
How can I even begin to put into words? It's almost as if the beauty of it all makes it indescribable. A new lesson every day in the mercies of every morning. Going from not knowing why the Lord chose me to knowing that regardless of how I "feel" it's the TRUTH. Leaving it all behind to follow Him because He said, "Go." Over the past six months, I've found myself here among the mountains of northern New Mexico only to discover that in this place of solitude, I'm not alone. I've been beckoned to visit the High Places with My Shepard. He's called me to a new level of heights in His Kingdom of Love. In the moments where I've wanted to give up because of the path's difficulty, He's been there. Not annoyed, never quick to get angry, and never dissappointed. Always gentle, always kind, and always pleased. In those moments, my heart realizes that it's all true: He loves me. He chose me. Maybe I"ll never understand because it's a love that's too overwhelming. "How can I even begin to put into words? This transformation that occurs in the prescence of His greatness?" The storms have ended. The life which comes from water has burst forth to produce a endless sea of green. And the roots have grown deep. The wind blows in silence yet its sound has become more defined in my ears. The stars at night know their names are unique as they play their role of shining. The sun feels closer to touching. And the mountains have yet to be climbed. I have seen the deer roaming free in their natural habitat, peacefully feeding and drinking from the flowing rivers. Just when I begin to think, "It's all so wonderful, Lord" I hear: "It's only the beginning."
